but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
