she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
be right there i have to get my cape
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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