hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off