I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.