I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
