OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
