More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
