hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
