i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
