I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
