I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
