she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
