just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
