he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
