I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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