dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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