Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Are we still banned from the library?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
