Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
