I wanna bring you to show and tell
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
