I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
