I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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