I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
