I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
