I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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