took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
