I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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