Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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