You're completely useless in the revolution.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
