ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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