Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
