Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I did not marry a roomba.
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