Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
