my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
