Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This is my gift to your gina
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
