I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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