Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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