Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
