I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
