that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's just like the Real World with babies
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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