I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.