That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
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First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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