Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.