I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
