How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
