I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
