are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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