No stitches, just platelets and will power
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
