I wanna bring you to show and tell
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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