i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
