i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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