remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
