conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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