last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
