Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
