Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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