I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
