it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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