Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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