We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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