Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
