Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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