I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
