I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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