Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Farmville is her only friend.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Houston, we have a squirter
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
