need another drink. this is the easiest way
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
